this was 2 funny i had 2 post it. taken from dickipedia
Mel Kiper, Jr. (born July 25, 1960) is an ESPN analyst for the
NFL draft, huge football nerd, and a dick. Since 1984, he has been a
staple of ESPN's annual draft coverage, which begins in May and extends
through the following April. While ESPN has a storied history of
launching the careers of irritating commentators, Kiper is surely in
the upper echelon. His achievements include appearing at 24 consecutive
drafts and somehow interrupting every single ESPN show ever to air. He
is the most recognizable dick in conjunction with the NFL draft. It
is important to note that, in regards to football, Kiper does not have
actual coaching or playing experience, and has been able to designate
himself an expert simply by saying so, loudly, many times, without
anyone questioning it. This is standard dick behavior.
Early life While attending Essex Community College in
Baltimore, Kiper decided to become the kind of dick that runs an
obnoxious business while they are in school. Thus, he founded Kiper
Enterprises, a modestly named draft information company. While this
business was less dickish than, say, stealing an idea for a future
million dollar corporation and claiming the idea was your own, it is still more obnoxious than selling "Major League Beer Pong" T-shirts to freshmen. [edit]
The big board One of Kiper's most memorable contributions to the NFL draft is the "big board,"
a large chart on which he analyzes the order in which players should be
drafted based on incomprehensible, vaguely relevant statistics only
Kiper understands (also known as “statis-dicks”). Prior to the big
board’s appearance on internet, Kiper would physically attach players
names to a large white board with dollops of excess hair gel. Kiper
was the first commentator to begin analyzing players in terms of their
"draft stock." In his quest to maintain the attention of his
loud obnoxiousenthusiastic fanbase, Kiper invented a system whereby a player’s
“stock” rises and falls based on a variety of factors in the months
leading up to the draft. These pre-draft months make up the optimal
time for analyzing performance because talent scouts can focus on
players’ public and private workouts rather than being distracted by
the athletes’ other, less predictive activities, such as playing in
football games. [edit]
Coach favorite Many
coaches and administrators enjoy hearing suggestions from Kiper. One
big fan was Indianapolis Colts manager Bill Tobin who praised Kiper
saying, "Who in the hell is Mel Kiper, anyway? I mean, here's a guy who
criticizes everybody, whoever they take. In my knowledge of him, he's
never even put on a jockstrap, he's never been a player, he's never
been a coach, he's never been a scout, he's never been an
administrator, and all of a sudden, he's an expert. Mel Kiper has no
more credentials to do what he's doing than my neighbor, and my
neighbor's a postman and he doesn't even have season tickets to the
NFL." [edit]
Proof of genius Though a dick, Mel Kiper is an infallible genius when it comes to scouting future NFL talent.
- He
once snidely remarked of the Colts, "That's why [they] keep picking
number two every year," after their 1994 second overall selection.
Kiper was widely critical of the Colts’ pick that year, Marshall Faulk,
who turned out to be such a bust that he is expected to be inducted
into the NFL Hall of Fame in the near future.
- In
2005, Kiper praised 8th overall selection, wide receiver Mike Williams,
saying, "I'll see you at his Hall of Fame induction." Many people have
yet to fully recognize the abilities Kiper saw in Williams. These
people include coaches, fans, analysts, referees, the players on the
teams he played for and against, and anyone else who has seen him in a
football jersey. Williams’ journey to the Hall of Fame suffered a
slight detour in 2007 when he stopped playing football and no one
wanted to sign him.
- In 1999, he touted the
potential of Oregon quarterback Akili Smith to exceed at the
professional level. Fans have high hopes for Smith to have a great
season this year and to make a big statement in his league.
- In
1998, Kiper argued that Ryan Leaf, 2nd overall pick, had an attitude
that would be an asset in the NFL. He has since become one of
professional football's most notable quarterbacks.
- In
2001, Kiper predicted a dismal 0-16 season for the New England
Patriots. The team finished slightly better than that prediction,
managing to win just one Super Bowl the entire season.
[edit]
Effect on fan culture Kiper's
rapid and notable rise to prominence is directly proportional to the
growth of the internet. While pre-internet, sports news consisted
merely of the handful of things that could be covered on ESPN and the
New York Post, the development of sports websites and the internet's
growing popularity led to a heightened demand for constant sports
updates, most of which were increasingly irrelevant and served less to
advance the sport and entertain fans and more to simply fill up ESPN
Insider with content. Kiper was integral in this shift towards totally
unnecessary reporting. Through nonstop comprehensive coverage
via articles and elaborate lists and charts, Kiper has managed to make
great contributions to the incredible surplus of unimportant sports
information on the web. In doing so, he has created a culture of
ultra-zealous football fans that, to an uncomfortable degree, track and
follow every tidbit of this information. While this development has
allowed some fans greater access to information about their favorite
players and teams, it has distracted many others from certain basic
human activities, such as art, hygiene, and knowing how to talk to
people without annoying them. [edit]
Hair While
cultural anthropologists have yet to prove that one’s hair is capable
of being a dick in and of itself, it is thought that Kiper’s hair will
be the first to hold the honor.
Subject: mel kiper plz read 
